Every Tampa party needs to invite a girl who asks if she can bring a plus one only to show up with a bottle of Captain Morgan that she clutches to her chest between swigs for the remainder of the evening, pausing only to ask people if they have met her boyfriend.
“He’s a captain,” she declares in glee before dissolving into a fit of drunken giggles. I know that girl. I like that girl. That girl is fun, and she is also one part of the target audience for Captain Morgan’s ridiculous holiday offering.
No. It’s not a Christmas themed bottle. It’s a four-and-a-half-foot lamp that is half a Captain and half a Christmas Story’s iconic lamp. Oh, yeah. You heard us.
Captain Morgan’s “Leg Up Lamp” features the sculpted legs of the Captain in his famous pose as the base and a red shade with gold fringe. Also, it’s a whopping 40 pounds, so your wife (or husband, we’re a progressive bunch here) won’t knock it over while dusting or in a passive aggressive fit of pique. And, so help me, if you don’t get it in a box that is stamped “fragile,” you should get a refund.
If you are jonesing for the lamp because you are a pirate historian or a drunk or a fan of tacky, tacky things, you can purchase it from the Captain Morgan online store for $499. But, only five of them will be released, so you need to be ready to spring into action when the lamp sales go live on Wednesday, December 13.
The only thing that girl at the party might like more than this lamp is a Captain Morgan onesie to wear to parties or like a Captain Morgan sex toy. Damn this job for making me research pirate vibrators in order to see if that’s a thing. Yes. It is. One of them appears to have a kraken feature.