50 Signs That You Might Be A South Tampa Douchebag

mag813 May 4, 2015 12
50 Signs That You Might Be A South Tampa Douchebag

We have all encountered them throughout Tampa, and the not so elusive South Tampa Douchebag is a pretty abundant commodity these days. But what is it exactly that constitutes a South Tampa Douchebag? The staff at 813 Magazine takes a look!

Very similar in appearance to the Jersey Shore Guido, the South Tampa Douchbag tans just as much as it’s northern guidolithic predecessor, uses just as much hair product, and talks just as much shit when around other STD’s. However the South Tampa Douchebag works out about 75 percent less than the Jersey Shore Guido and is approximately 100X more effeminate. But that’s just the tip of the Doucheberg…

So without further ado we present 50 Signs You Might Be A South Tampa Douchebag (for “men”) in no particular order…

1. Your workout regimen consists of only chest and biceps twice a week.
2. You spray tan.
3. You have a ‘faux hawk’.
4. You own more than one ‘Obey’ t-shirt that you purchased from Urban Outfitters.
5. You’ve paid for a release at a Kennedy Oriental Massage parlor.
6. Despite your “vigorous” weight training, your legs and your arms are still the same diameter.
7. You’re a male stripper and you tell everyone that ‘Magic Mike’ was based on your life. Or, you’re simply a male stripper.
8. You do CrossFit and don’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.
9. You are a regular at The Drynk, Jacksons or Blue Martini.
10. You still rock a trucker cap despite Ashton Kutcher both launching and killing the fad 10 years ago.
11. You tell everyone you live in South Tampa when you live in the hood in either NOHO or Tampa Heights.
12. You ride a scooter.
13. You own a “Sun’s Out, Gun’s Out” shirt.
14. You’ve bleached your asshole.
15. You wear sunglasses with ridiculous neon frame colors.
16. You think the “Bro Bowl” refers to a new fusion dish at Green Lemon.
17. Your pirate role-playing extends beyond Gasparilla.
18. You oil up to run down Bayshore Blvd.
19. You tell everyone that you train at any Gracie Tampa location when in reality you’d get rear naked choked out in under 10 seconds.
20. Your daily dress code consists of flaming board shorts and a turquoise tank top.
21. You own a dog under 20lbs.
22. You use any hair product other than shampoo.
23. You’ve gotten semi-hard while spotting your workout buddy maxing out 135 on the bench press.
24. You’ve gotten Botox.
25. One Direction, Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus is on your playlist.
26. You own a pinky ring.
27. Your idea of a celebrity sighting is seeing Tony Little at LA Fitness in Hyde Park.
28. You’re over 30 and still a DJ.
29. Your Tinder profile pic is a selfie flexing in the Anytime Fitness bathroom.
30. You hang out at Chipotle on South Howard after your workout to scam on chicks over your burrito bowl.
31. You’ve ever drank a Cosmo.
32. You think Culpepper-Kurland commercials are legit.
33. Your vehicle could be a prop in a Fast and Furious movie.
34. Ed Hardy, Tapout and Affliction still make the rotation in your wardrobe.
35. You go to prey on tourists by yourself with a freshly waxed back at the Marriott Waterside pool.
36. You blare EDM while driving down Kennedy Blvd.
37. Your beer of choice is Corona Light.
38. You’ve ever slummed it at Rick’s On The River after striking out on South Howard.
39. You’ve banged so many SOHOe’s that you serve up more dick biscuits than KFC. (Google it)
40. You tell people that you play for the Rowdies because, hey, who would know?
41. You wear V-Neck tees with a neckline that surpasses your nipples.
42. You say ‘Bruh’.
43. Your buttplug gets more use during Glee marathons than it does during date rape night.
44. You only go to Four Green Fields or MacDintons on St. Patty’s Day.
45. You’ve ever worn your collar up on your shirt.
46. Your wear tee shirts deliberately two sizes too small.
47. You have “sausage nipples” from testosterone therapy aromatization.
48. You’ve ever said YOLO.
49. You have worn jeans with flaps or bedazzling on the back pockets.
50. You’ve worn glasses with no lenses while trying to promote your parent-funded business at The Oxford Exchange.

Have some to add? Post them in the comments below.

12 Comments »

  1. Ana September 13, 2015 at 9:18 am -

    Have some to add? Post them in the comments below…

    Nope nothing to add. You nailed it. Oh, my city!

  2. Colleen September 13, 2015 at 9:41 pm -

    You should add Lodge to the list of frequently located spots. That’s their hangout. Especially on Sundays haha

    And mcdintons happy hour brings out a lot tatty of STDs

  3. Gregory September 14, 2015 at 8:52 am -

    51. You spend time making lists about South Tampa Douchebags

  4. Kelly Gleason September 14, 2015 at 9:26 am -

    #1 and #6 are pretty much the same thing. But I think Daily Eats and renting apartments downtown could be added. Also what about that stupid skip kicking dance they do? That is also equally douchey. Posting pictures would seal the deal to this article.

  5. mag813 September 14, 2015 at 10:45 am -

    Please send us a video link to this ‘kicking dance’ you speak of!

  6. mag813 September 14, 2015 at 10:46 am -

    We would have taken offense this… however we noticed you were still using a Hotmail account. Thanks for ‘Creepin’ in Real’

  7. mag813 September 14, 2015 at 10:51 am -

    It’s quite possible that every establishment on South Howard fits the bill. The Lodge, however is only one of the few Tampa destinations where STDs can still buy tater tots on Daddy’s platinum card.

  8. Gia September 14, 2015 at 3:31 pm -

    You can add the new Hyde Away and Top Golf as total Db places , or if you spend more money on watches , tank tops and sneakers then your rent .. Tampa thousandaires

  9. ST September 14, 2015 at 7:14 pm -

    You have a CineBistro card. And not for the one “Up North” in Wesley Chapel.

  10. Dustin September 14, 2015 at 8:06 pm -

    1 sign you are definitely an idiot: You mentions Four Green Fields and MacDinton’s together as if they are somehow related. One is a fairly authentic (for Tampa, anyways) Irish Pub; the other is a date-rape/DUI factory…

  11. Jack September 14, 2015 at 11:15 pm -

    you are a member of kappa sig or sigma chi, SDT or DG, and you have fucked your one or more of your friends significant others. And you call non greeks “GDI’s” (god damn independents)… This list could go on forever, but ya gotta love the place.

  12. mag813 September 15, 2015 at 10:36 am -

    Yes we must be idiots to ‘mentions’ the two together. They are related in the fact that they are Irish establishments. We are not contesting the authenticity of one over the other, rather simply pointing out how timely and trendy the douchesters are. However if Four Green Fields was in stumbling distance like the other SOHO bars, we are quite sure that it would quickly lose it’s rustic charm.

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