Last week after finding a picture of the prototypical Yinzer on the net and posting it to Twitter, we received an overzealous, latent response tweet from a “Punk” band from Pittsburgh:
Of course, “Moral Decline” waited until after the Pens had won the game to shoot us the above reply like most true bandwagon fans.
Well, Moral Decline, you don’t know shit about demographics nor hockey apparently. First and foremost, I am from the North, more Northern than you. In fact, as of last year only 38% people who live in Florida, were actually born in Florida.
Unlike those from the Burgh, whenever someone asks where you’re from, most of you Yinzers usually respond by mumbling something about the Steelers, complaining about the steel mills that shut down almost half a century ago, or giving you a blank stare all whilst busting out of your high school varsity jacket.
I myself, played hockey all throughout high school, and remember very fondly that the Pens’ best player of all time wasn’t the lumbering Mario Lemieux, nor metrosexual Sidney Crosby, but rather a little known brawler by the name of Jay Caufield who could literally drop dudes on the ice with one punch.
Well, since we can’t dance while I pull your sweater over your head, I’ll just drop you with 10 quick jabs as to why Tampa is, and always will be better than Pittsburgh:
10. Kennywood Is A Poor Man’s Busch Gardens
When I first visited Pittsburgh, while driving a friend back home from college, he suggested that we check out Kennywood and make a day of it. Holy shit man, I know of defunct amusement parks that have more rides than Kennywood. Kennywood is a mere 40 Acres as opposed to our Busch Gardens which is 335.
Nevertheless, like a true Yinzer, I am sure you walk around in wet cutoff jean shorts that chafe your monstrous thighs, only to squeeze on the Log Jammer for a 4th time. You eat funnel cake and Dippin’ Dots until you almost throw up, and then enjoy the spins from the rides for the next 2 days. Awesome.
9. What F*ckin Language Are You Speaking?
You have a very recognizable dialect and vocabulary that includes words like “pop” (soda), “hoagie” (submarine sandwich), “gumband” (rubberband), and despite always appearing dirty, you for some reason have to…. “warsh” (wash) your clothes all the time. You’re proud of your difference in speech and even though you may pretend to be educated or experienced, you could never bring yourself to ask for a refill of “soda” while watching the “Stillers” at your local bar. You know what a jagoff is. You also know what to do with a sweeper, what weather might cause it to be slippy outside, and how to red up a room. Good for you!
8. Pittsburgh Diets Are The Worst
I’m sure if you could travel to other cities (we’re sorry you can’t make it down here because you’ve been unemployed since the steel mill shut down), but you’d probably be shocked when there are not fries on your salad. We’re also sorry to inform you that we don’t put coleslaw or every single condiment known to man on all of our sandwiches. Lucky for you Mom stocked the fridge this morning so we’re sure there’s a block of cheese for you to gnaw on somewhere in there.
7. Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow
You associate the colors black and yellow with more than Wiz Khalifa’s single. You have black and gold hats, coffee mugs, terrible towels, pom poms, posters, buttplugs and an infinite amount of sports memorabilia and apparel that makes you look like a down syndromed bumblebee. And you rep it hard no matter where you go.
6. Iron City Beer is Horse Piss
Appearance: Urine-colored gold. Mostly clear with a slight cloudiness. Forms a large, white, milky head which I’m sure you Yinzers LOVE.
Taste: Iron City Beer is one of the worst beers of all time, I mostly taste nothing at all. Oh sure it tastes like fizzy yellow beer, but that’s a difficult taste to truly describe. But if I must: it’s a flavor of sweet corn followed by a slightly metallic taste on the finish. Kind of like chewing on tinfoil.
5. The Steelers Quarterback Is An Alleged Rapist
Ok, my bad, so that one’s “a push”. But it’s certainly odd that Mr. Rogers and Mr. Roethlisberger represent the same city. And as far as I know, we didn’t bring in any convicted dog murders to fill in the void like the Stillers did when Slothisberger accidentally slipped himself some Ruffies.
4. All Men Must Rock a Jaromir Jagr Mini Mullet and Kenny Loggins Beard
Let’s face it, not so much business in the front, with a tiny party in the back; because you really can’t party that much or you’ll drop dead of a heart attack. Your finely manicured Loggins beard is as much work as you’ll put into anything only because it covers your George Lucas-sized gullet and catches the stray horsey sauce as you pound your fifth helping of Arby’s while watching All the Right Moves for the 412th time.
3. Your 3 Rivers Are All More Polluted Than The Hillsborough River
The Ohio River IS the most polluted river in the United States. The Ohio River, having won the dubious honor of America’s most polluted river eight years in a row, in terms of pollutant discharges. Millions of tons of chemicals are dumped into the river, from a wide range of businesses and industries from Pittsburgh and surrounding areas. I am quite sure there is some correlation here to the strange appearances of those who hail from the Burgh.
2. Chances Are You’re Probably Inbred
Let’s face it, Western Pennsylvania is essentially North/West Virginia. You guys might have a couple more teeth in your mouth, but you’re not far off from starring in a reboot of The Hills Have Eyes or Wrong Turn 8. Man you guys are talking about rednecks? Keep drinking that water from the Ohio River, I fucking love horror movies!
Even if its not raining or snowing there are so many days when the sun just does not come out, it’s pretty depressing. I am sure this contributes to Pittsburgh having one of the highest suicide rates in the nation, but I mean isn’t that understood? But hey, if I had to live in the armpit of America, I’d definitely go out jaggin off just like David Carradine.
So sit back in that old lime green recliner, adjust those rabbit ears on that box television and try to tune out your Mom playing Polka music in the kitchen while she is cooking you up some kielbasa and pierogies because you’ve made it to the Cup. Living vicariously through other mens’ feats is all you have. But don’t worry, we’ll be thinking about, I mean laughing at you, while we’re sitting down here in paradise at the beach this weekend while you are online ordering a XXXXXL Crosby Hockey Sweater from your Mom’s basement right smack in the middle of the taint of America.